Make You Feel My Love
by tinafeysglasses
Summary: Not wanting to hurt anyone Meredith continues to keep her relationship with Riggs secret, but she soon realizes if you have to keep your relationship a secret it's probably because in the end someone's going to end up hurt.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Okay so this is my first fanfic and I've decided to make it about Meredith and Riggs. There aren't alot out there and I decided to give it a try. I welcome constructive criticism, but not from people who don't want Meredith to move on. I used to feel that way, but realistically Derek isn't coming back. I'm still a huge MerDer fan, but Meredith's gotta move on and I think Riggs is good for her to move on with. This whole story is in Meredith's POV and picks up when Riggs turned Maggie down. I hope you enjoy it, and R&R.

Disclaimer: If I owned Greys Anatomy I think i'd have more than three dollars in my wallet.

Chapter One:

 _When the rain is blowin in your face and the whole world is on your case_

 _I could offer you a warm embrace_

 _To make you feel my love._

Life has a funny way of screwing me over. Some people may call that paranoia, I call it fact. I've been hooking up with Riggs for a while now and the fear of Maggie finding out has been eating at me, and eating at me. Logically I know I hooked up with Riggs before having known Maggie liked him, but that doesn't take away from the fact that I just lied to her after promising to not lie to her anymore. It makes me feel guilty as hell, but when i'm with Riggs I don't think. He has a way of making me forget about all the drama. I don't know whether to come clean to everyone, risking losing Maggie, Amelia, and Owen. Or if I should just continue to hide it. Is Riggs worth it? Is our relationship worth it? Would he even be willing to come clean? These questions rush throughout my head on a daily basis. As if being a surgeon isn't stressful enough. Sometimes I think about ending it with Riggs, but then I think about the life I had before him. Before him I was mad at everyone who was in love, I was mad because I lost the love of my life. I lost Derek. Riggs understands though, he gets it. Which kinda sucks because if he didn't understand it would be so much easier to leave him, sadly he's great. He knows what its like to lose someone, and has no interest in rushing our relationship. _Ugh._

With my alarm blaring I pull myself out of bed, and groggily walk to the bathroom. I do my usual morning routine, brush hair, brush teeth, and stuff my feelings down into a deep dark place until I ultimately go insane. As I get dressed though I look in the mirror, I see a change. A change in myself. I'm not sad, and mopey Meredith. Granted i'm not happy and bubbly, but I'm not sad. I must have been staring for a while because it took me five minutes to realize Maggie was banging on the door.

"What," I say, letting it come out little more irritable than I intended.

"Sorry," Maggie says sheepishly," I was just letting you know it's about time to go."

"Oh, okay," I respond, "I'll be out in a minute."

I finish getting ready and soon enough were on our way to the hospital with Maggie in the passenger seat, and Alex in the back.

"So..." Maggie says awkwardly.

"Yeah?" I ask.

"Riggs turned me down," she says.

"I know, so?" I question, praying to a god I didn't believe in that she didn't know about us.

"Its just, it's gonna be awkward," she whines,"I need the both of you to try to keep him away from me today at all costs."

"I don't think that'll be a problem for Mer," Alex chuckles.

"What did you say Alex?" Maggie asks.

"Yeah Alex, what did you say?" I look him dead in the eyes, angered he'd let something like that slip.

"I um, well, It's just Meredith has always been such a good avoider, i'm sure she could give you some tips," Alex stutters out.

"Really, you can give me tips?" Maggie asks eagerly.

"Oh well look at that we've reached the hospital," I say, " guess I can't give you tips today."

As we enter the hospital we rush into an elevator that's just about to close. As if things couldn't get more awkward, we were greeted with Riggs, Owen, Ameilia, Jo, and Deluca. _What the hell?_ My life just continues to get more and more complicated. Jo and Deluca stand in the far corner trying to avoid Alex, Maggie stands in the opposite corner trying to avoid Riggs, Owen and Amelia are in the front completely oblivious, leaving Riggs and I squished together in the center.

He gives me his cocky grin.

 _I could just kiss that grin right off your face._

Wait, what?

"So, I guess you could say you and I are stuck together," He flirts.

"Shut up," I whisper, " Maggie is right over there, and I do not need to have her mad at me again. I just need out of this elevator." I sigh.

Just as I say those words the elevator stops.

No.

No.

 _NO._

"What the hell?" Owens exclaims.

"This cannot be happening," I hear Maggie mutter.

Soon enough we hear someone talk over the intercom.

"This is matenience, don't worry we're gonna get you out of there. It may be 3-4 hours however, no need to panick we're getting it taken care of."

Told you life always had a way of screwing me over.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two:

 _When the evening shadows and the stars appear_

 _And there's no one there to dry your tears_

 _I could hold you for a million years_

 _To make you feel my love._

"Well I guess we should get comfortable," Amelia sighs.

We all uncomfortably sit down in the spot were standing, squishing Riggs and I closer and closer together.

"Wow," Riggs whispers in my ear," we're practically on top of each other."

I elbow him in the ribs.

"Ouch," he whines,"don't be mean."

"Don't flirt." I reply.

"Why, making you all hot and flustered," he whispers jokingly.

I elbow him harder in the ribs.

"Ouch!"he exclaims louder, causing people to look.

"You okay?" Owen asks, strangely nice.

"Yeah, Grey's just being moody." He replies.

I begin to elbow him again, when Owen stops me.

"I think that's enough," He laughs.

"So, are we just stuck in here for hours?" Jo asks.

"Pretty much," Owen replies.

"We should play truth or dare," Maggie suggests excitedly.

"I'm sorry, but are we in the sixth grade?" Alex turns the idea down.

"I'll play," Jo says inspite of Alex.

Eventually after much complaining we all agree to play.

"Okay," Maggie says," I guess since I suggested it i'll go first."

Looking around the crowd Maggie tries to decide who to ask. Not Riggs or Deluca , she doesn't really know Jo , she comes to the conclusion of asking the person she knows best: Meredith.

"Meredith," Maggie calls my name,"Truth or dare?"

"You've got to be kidding me," I groan,"Truth."

"Okay, um, what's the weirdest place you've had sex?" She asks.

"Well that got dirty fast," I say thinking about my sexual history," I guess that would have to be in the CT room."

"WHAT!" Pretty much everyone exclaims.

"What, I didn't think it was that big of a deal, Derek and I did it there like five times," I say.

"Ew, ew, and with my _brother_ ," Amelia makes barfing noises.

"In my defense it was when we first had gotten married and we were doing everywhere then," I defend myself.

"That just makes it worst," Maggie laughs," It was probably dirtier than usual then."

"Oh yeah it was, I did this bendy thing-"

"We don't want to hear it," Alex exclaims.

"I'm gonna wanna hear it later," Riggs whispers in my ear.

"Hush," I command him.

Looking at everyone in the elevator I decide easily on Alex, who has been keeping something about Cristina from me for months.

"Alex, truth or dare?" I ask.

"Are you kidding me Mer, I thought we were friends," he complains.

"Don't be a baby," I tell him.

"Fine, truth," he answers.

This was it. Lately Cristina hasn't been picking up my calls, but she's been calling Alex more and more. Everytime I asked him he acted like he didn't know. As childish as it sounds, truth or dare maybe the way to get him to tell me the truth.

"Why isn't Cristina answering my calls?" I ask accusingly.

His head shot up.

"Mer, I don't know what your talking about. Honestly." He replies

"Don't lie to me Alex," I say.

"I'm not," he defends.

"Okay look me in the eye and tell me that," I say, "If you do i'll drop it."

He sighs," Fine you want the truth, I can't believe i'm doing this. Cristina's gonna kill me. But you know how Burke gave her that cardiothorastic surgery place or whatever?"

I nod.

"Well he took it back," Alex says.

"What, no, he can't do that," I exclaim.

"He did it months ago, before he signed the papers," Alex informs me.

"So what has Cristina been doing?" I ask.

"Well, he offered her a job there, but she turned it down. So for a few months she just stayed there, but a week ago she umm, well she moved back to Seattle," Alex mumbles.

"WHAT," I yell," Why didn't you tell me, or she tell me, or anyone tell me?"

"She was embarrased, she told me if I told you she'd kill me. I believe she could do it," Alex argues.

"I'm her person, she wouldn't be embarrased in front of me," I say.

"Her actions prove differently," Alex replies.

"Did anyone else know about this?" I ask accusingly.

"No," Alex says,"Mer, none of them knew. Just me."

"Well why you?" I ask.

"Apparently, according to Cristina, she's accomplished so much more than me she can't be embarrased in front of me." Alex says.

"Alex give me your phone," I command.

"Why so you can call her? Not gonna let that happen," Alex replies.

"Give me your phone," I exclaim as I start to reach over to try to grab it, but not before Riggs and Owen pull me back.

"Calm down, jesus," Alex says.

Annoyed that Meredith would ask him something like that in front of everyone he decides on an easy way to get back at her.

"Meredith, truth or dare?" Alex asks grinning, cocky.

"What," I say," No he can't do that I just went."

"Actually according to the rules he can," Maggie pipes in.

"You know the rules of truth or dare," I ask her lamely.

"I know the rules of everything." Maggie replies.

"Fine, dare," I comply.

"I dare you to tell me the last person you hooked up with," Alex says with triumph.

My face gets hot as I try to avoid looking at Riggs, which has become difficult seeing as he's right beside me. Why does Alex have to be such an ass?

"What's the big deal?" Maggie asks clueless.

"Yeah Mer, what's the big deal?" Alex questions.

"Look, I don't have to tell you anything, it's not like its serious," I say,"It's truth or dare."

"But why would you have to hide anything?" Maggie asks.

"Guys, your probably making her think of Derek," Jo pipes up, " why else would she not want to talk about it?"

"Oh, Meredith," Maggie says compassionately,"I'm so sorry."

"Yeah, it's um, it's fine," I stutter.

After a few minutes we ended the game on the count that it reached a depressing point. It had been silent for minutes when I felt Riggs grab my hand. He rubbed his thumb over my my hand, over and over again. As I looked up at him, he looked down at me. Our eyes communicated what our mouth's couldn't.

 _Are you okay?_

 _Yes._

 _Are you really?_

 _No._

 _What will help?_

 _Getting out of this elevator._

As if the world was suddenly on my side the elevator doors were opened, and we were greeted with the face of a worried Miranda Bailey.

I guess things are starting to look up for Meredith Grey.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: If I owned Greys Anatomy I think i'd have running water in my apartment.

Chapter 3:

 _I know you haven't made your mind up yet_

 _But I would never do you wrong_

 _I've known it from the moment that we met_

 _No doubt in my mind where you belong._

"Oh thank god you all are alright," Bailey exclaims as she hugs each one of us.

Not wanting to be around any one of them anymore I quickly excuse myself and walk swiftly into an on-call room.

"Hey," Riggs says as he enters the on-call room I'm in.

"What," I groan.

"Why are you so upset?" He asks.

"Why am I so upset, Why am I so upset?" I exclaim. "Maybe because my so called person didn't bother to tell me she's moved back and probably lives 5 minutes away from me, or maybe because Alex is back to being an ass and not talking to anyone, or maybe-"

"Meredith, shhh," Riggs cuts me off as he puts both of his hands on my shoulders.

"It's just, I-I, I just can't deal with putting this relationship out in the open," I say, tears building up in my eyes. "And it's not because I'm ashamed, or anything. I just don't want to hurt Maggie, and I don't want to lose more people."

"Its okay Meredith," Riggs sooths me," I understand, we don't have to tell anyone."

Pulling myself together I wipe my tears away and brace myself to go back out there.

"Okay," I say," I'm okay."

"Of course you're okay," Riggs grins.

Exiting the on-call room I throw myself into my work. Don't think about your feelings, I tell myself. Just cut, be surgeon. I manage to avoid Maggie and her big 'i'm sorry' face throughout the day and I'm feeling pretty good, until I remember. I have to go home with her, and Alex. Oh the fun we'll have.

Upon entering my car I find Alex, looking guilty, and Maggie, looking apologetic. It makes me sick, if only Maggie knew the truth. Silence fills the car as I drive home. I almost get there when-

"Look I'm really sorry Meredith," Maggie bursts.

"For what?" I ask dreading the answer.

"Pressuring you for the answer, in the game," Maggie explains.

I sigh.

"You didn't do anything wrong, Maggie," I say.

"Are you kidding me? I would've killed me if I was in your position. Who am I to pressure you? Seriously Meredith I'm sorry," Maggie rambles.

"No really, don't apologize," I reply.

"No Meredith, i'm truly-"

"Dear god, will you both just shut up," Alex exclaims.

"Really, Alex," I snap,"you're gonna tell me to shut up, when you've been hiding secrets about Cristina from me for months. You know it's like you're back to intern Alex, and I hated intern Alex."

Just as I finish I pull into the driveway, slam the door of the car, and stomp into the house. I enter my room and lay in my bed thinking about the things that went on today. I can't believe Cristina's back. Cristina's back. Cristina's back. Just thinking those words feel surreal. She's my person, yet she's avoiding me. I don't know whether to be pissed, or ecstatic. I know I'm pissed at Alex, he's supposed to be my person too. As I check the time I realize it's 11:00 pm and I have to be up early. Reluctantly, I turn off my light, role over, and try to shut off my brain.

As my alarm blares I wake up and do my usual morning routine, by 7:00 am Alex, Maggie, and I are back in the car enjoying another awkward car ride.

"So..." Maggie says trying to fill the awkwardness. "You all are fighting, I get it. Well, um, i'm still trying to avoid Riggs. Maybe you can give me some of those tips, Meredith."

I stay silent.

"Okay you're not talking to me either, what about you Alex?" She asks desperately.

He stays silent.

"Okay, well, guess it's up to me then," Maggie says as she laughs awkwardly.

Soon enough we arrive at the hospital. Alex and I get out of the car quickly, slamming the doors, and leaving Maggie alone, looking very confused.

I dodge the elevator today, not wanting to risk it, and take the stairs. I deal with several patients, but no surgeries. Bored out of my mind I decide to nap in an on-call room. Within five minutes I get a page for a general surgery consultant. So much for relaxation.

I find Amelia asking for a consult on a neuro case, showing me the CT scans. Easily supplying her with the needed information, she thanks me and i'm on my way out when-

"I can't believe you and Derek did it in the CT room," she laughs.

"Yeah," I sigh,"it was a good time," I smile.

"I miss him," Amelia says sullen.

"We all do," I reply.

"You know you can talk to me right?" she asks.

"Yeah..." I say weary.

"Its just," she sighs. "I saw how you looked when Maggie kept apologizing to you yesterday."

"What do you mean?" I ask. "How did I look?"

"You just looked guilty, and like you know, you had already moved on from Derek," Amelia replies.

"Well I-"

"Don't get me wrong, I want you to move on I just, I just, want to know who," Amelia cuts me off.

I sigh.

"Amelia, can you keep a secret?" I ask.

"Of course," she replies.

"I'm serious though, Amelia. This can't leave this room, not Owen, not Jo, and especially not Maggie." I tell her.

"Okay Meredith, I promise i'll keep your secret," Ameilia says.

"Okay," I take a deep breath and rush out," ihavebeenhookingupwithriggs."

"What," Amelia asks,"what did you say?"

"I have been hooking up with Riggs," I reply calmly.

"What," she exclaims,"that's who Maggie wanted to hook up with."

"I know which is why you can't tell her, I hooked up with him before I even knew she liked him though," I defend myself.

"Okay, so how long has this been happening?" she asks.

"We first hooked up the day before your wedding," I inform her.

"Okay," she says.

"Are we okay?" I ask. "You're not going to tell anyone right?"

"No, of course not," she says," I just think you should. Before someone gets hurt."

She carefully picks up her CT scans and exits the room.

Is she right?

Is one of us destined to get hurt?

 _Ugh._ I always get myself caught up in the worst situations.

A/N: So I hope you guys are liking it, I know there hasn't been a lot of Meredith and Riggs action but I plan to change that next chapter. I also plan to bring Cristina back next chapter just because I love and miss her so much on the show, so she has to be in my story. I want to have her meet Riggs and maybe even scare him. Idk. I just hope you all are liking it, R&R.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4:

Disclaimer: Sadly i'm still poor and not the owner of Greys Anatomy.

 _I'd go hungry_

 _I'd go black and blue_

9 times. 9 times. That's how many times i've tried calling Cristina and got her voicemail. What a great friend. She moves back to Seattle, tells _Alex_ of all people, and I don't even know if she has a job or not.

"Alex!" I scream frustratedly.

"What?" he asks, whining.

"I need to use your phone," I demand.

"What, no I thought we already discussed this. I don't want Yang knowing I told you," he tells me.

"Well that's too bad for you because apparently you and her have been talking, and your phone is the only one she'll answer. So i'm going to get that phone, the easy way or the hard way," I threaten.

"Mer really," he laughs, " I don't think you can threaten-"

I knee him in the shin, and succesfully take the phone.

"Thanks," I say and run to my room, locking the door.

Soon enough I hear Alex pounding on the door, begging for me to open it. But I don't think about that, i'm in a trance. I'm about to talk to Cristina, my person, and she doesn't even know it. Every since Derek died, and she left I lost the two most important people of my life. I it's just now dawning on me that I might get one back.

I take a deep breath and slowly hit the call button.

It rings and rings for what feel like forever, when I finally hear her voice.

"Hello?" she says.

I freeze, staying silent, and not knowing what to say.

"Hello?" she says again, frustrated.

"Alex, I'm hanging-" she starts.

"It's not Alex," I rush out.

 _"Meredith_?" She asks, shocked.

"Yeah, Alex kinda told me what happened," I inform.

"Oh, i'm so gonna kill evil spawn," she says with venom.

"Oh shut up, Cristina," I spat," why the hell didn't you tell me what was going on with you?"

"It's complicated," she sighs.

"No it's not, i'm supposed to be your person. Where are you? What's going on? Do you even have a job?" I ask, spewing questions out each second.

"Calm down," she says, annoyed. "I live in an apartment complex, nothings really happening at the moment, and no I don't have a job. I don't even know if the hospital with take me back."

"Are you kidding me, Cristina," I say. "Of course the hospital will take you back, if they don't i'll go on strike."

"Oh, don't be dramatic," she laughs.

"Don't be dramat-"

"God, i've missed you," she cuts me off, laughing.

"I've missed you too," I say.

As a comfortable silence fills the air, I hold the phone to my ear. Just knowing she's here, and on the phone with me, makes me feel like another part of me is back. Like without her I wasn't whole, but now I am. It's cheesy as hell, which makes me hate it, but love it hate it.

"Cristina?" I ask.

"Yeah," she replies.

"Do you wanna come over?" I say.

"Oh, well thank god you finally asked," she laughs, "what a friend you are."

"I don't wanna hear it, I had to hear about you being back from Alex," I tell her.

"Oh yeah I forgot about that," she says, "I still have to kill him."

"Cristina, just shut up and come over," I demand.

"Okay, okay, I'll be over soon, bye," she tells me.

"Okay, bye," I hang up the phone, with the biggest smile on my face.

I exit the room and find Alex sitting outside my room.

"So?" He asks, "What's the verdict?"

I laugh,"Oh she's coming over, and she said I quote,'I'm going to kill evil spawn.'"

"Ugh, Meredith why did you have to tell her?" he asks, angry.

"She's my person, we don't lie to each other," I say.

Soon enough we hear the door open and as I run down the stairs to see Cristina, Alex hides in a closet in order to avoid Cristina.

"Hey," I exclaim.

"No time," she brushes me off," Where's evil spawn? Where's Alex?"

"So I was thinking we could watch a movie," I say ignoring her.

"Meredith, I don't have the ti-"

"Maybe a surgical video, like old times," I ignore her again.

"Meredith, please just-"

I sigh.

"If I tell you where Alex is, will you then talk to me?" I ask.

"Of course," she replies.

"He's in the closet." I inform.

As she opens the closet I see Alex crouching down, using a book as a shield.

"Dammit Meredith," Alex exclaims.

"That book is not use, evil spawn," Cristina says, taking the book out of his hands and throwing it to the ground.

"Please Cristina, I swear I will keep all of your secrets, just please don't hurt me," Alex begs.

"Oh my god,"Cristina bursts out laughing, "he actually thought I was gonna hurt him."

"What, you mean you're not gonna hurt me?" Alex asks.

"No," she laughs, " I just wanted to scare you. Mission accomplished, you looked like you were about to cry."

Alex then stands up and exits the closet.

"Ha, ha very funny," he says sarcastically, "i've missed you so much, I don't know how i've survived without you."

"I don't know how i've survived without you either, evil spawn. You always seem to cheer me up," she says.

"Okay, Cristina are you done scaring Alex now?" I butt in.

"What, oh yeah, Meredith I forgot you were here," she says.

"Can we go now?" I roll my eyes.

"Yeah , yeah," she says as we head into my room.

"So," she says as she flops down on my bed, "what's been going on with you?"

I sigh, "too much."

"Like...," she says.

"Okay, well I've been hooking up with someone for a while now," I inform.

"Really?" she asks, "is it like emotionless sex? Or do you like him?"

"I like him, his name is Riggs. He's a cardiothorastic attending at the hospital." I say.

"Oh, well I like him already,"Cristina jokes.

"Yeah well there's just one problem," I say.

"Meredith, with you there's always a problem," she laughs.

"Yeah, so you know Maggie?" I ask.

"Yeah, your half-sister?" Cristina says.

"Yeah,um, well she kinda likes him too," I say,"but I hooked up with him before I knew."

"Okay, well too bad Maggie he's yours. There problem solved," she says.

"It's not just that, she asked him out. He then turned her down and now things are very awkward between them" I inform.

"And you still haven't told her?" Cristina asks.

I shake my head.

"Well you've dug yourself one hole, Meredith," she says.

"Wow thanks, what great advice," I joke.

"Look it's late, and tomorrow we gotta go to the hospital to get you a job. Let's just sleep," I tell her.

"Sounds good to me," she agrees.

I shut the light off and soon I drift to sleep with my person beside me.

I wake to find Cristina drooling on my pillow, and as the memories of last night flood before me, a grin grows across my face.

"Wake up," I say, "you're drooling on my pillow."

"Shut up," she groans tiredly.

"Come on, we gotta get to the hospital ," I order.

Soon enough we've both gotten up and are in the car waiting for Alex and Maggie.

"Hurry up," I yell as I honk the horn for the fifth time.

"So i'm really interested to meet this Riggs guy, do you think he'll be there?" Cristina asks.

"Well he works there so..." I say.

"Don't be a smartass," she commands.

"Oh, Maggie's coming, no more talking about Riggs," I tell her as I see Maggie and Alex come down the driveway.

Maggie and Alex fill in the backseat, and with Cristina in the passenger were off to the hospital.

"So, evil spawn, I heard you beat up on some intern?" Cristina grins.

"Yeah, so?" he asks.

"Well, I also heard you were working in the clinic now, I never you liked that stuff," she laughs.

"You know what Yang," Alex says," I thought I missed you, I really did. Now I realize it was only delusion."

"Aw," Cristina says, "evil spawn has a heart."

"Are they always like this?" Maggie asks me.

"Oh yeah, every since we were interns," I reply.

As we pull into the hospital parking lot I know I have to talk to Cristina privately. As Maggie and Alex exit I hold her arm.

"What?" she asks.

"Well I just want you to be prepared," I say.

"Prepared for...?" She asks.

"Owen," I reply.

"Meredith I'm sure I can-"

"He's married, Cristina," I cut her off.

"Oh, " she asks, " to who?"

"Amelia," I inform.

"Okay, that's great. He's moved on, so have I." she says.

"Does he know I'm here?" she asks me.

"He knows you're in Seattle, not the hospital," I reply.

"Okay," she says quietly, taking it in.

"I just want you to be prepared," I tell her.

"Okay," she says after a few deep breaths, "i'm ready."

As we enter the hospital a pit of nervousness forms in my stomach. We swiftly head to the chiefs office taking the back hallways, avoiding everyone.

I knock.

"Come in," we hear from Bailey.

As we enter a face of shock, mixed with joy, and little bit of confusion swarms over Baileys face.

"Cristina," she exclaims,"what are you doing here?"

"Well, um, that's a long story," Cristina says, " but to keep it short, Burke took back my hospital, and I have no job. So can you give me one?"

"Well, of course," she says generously,"I cannot believe Preston Burke would do such a thing. However I can start you as an attending cardiothorastic surgeon today, if you like?"

"Like? I love. Thank you so, so much Chief," Cristina bursts.

"Well, get outta here and save some lives," Bailey commands us.

As we exit, we're practically jumping with joy. I then remember-

"You wanted to meet Riggs right?" I ask.

"Oh, yeah," she exclaims, "i'm gonna scare the shit outta him."

"What," I laugh, "what do you mean?"

"I wanna give him the whole, 'if you hurt her i'll kill you' speech," she answers.

"No, you're not doing that," I tell her.

"Yeah I am, and you're not gonna be there," she replies.

"Yes I will," I say stubbornly.

"No you're-"

"If you're gonna do it, i'm gonna be there," I say.

"Fine, " she surrenders, "do you have to be so uptight?"

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that." I say.

As I stand in the stall with the door closed, I don't know what I was thinking when I agreed to this. Cristina said she saw Riggs walking down the hallway and she was going to pull him into the _womens_ restroom and give him 'the speech'. Now I don't know what I was thinking, I've been waiting forever.

"Cristina," I whisper.

"Hush," she orders me,"I see him coming, be quiet."

"Why of course your majesty," I joke.

Soon enough I look through the crack and see Cristina reach out the door, pull Riggs inside, and lock the door.

"What the hell," he exlcaims, "who are you?"

"Oh, me. I may not look like much, but I'm the one person that knows how to kill you and make it look like an accident."

"What are you talking about?" he asks.

"I'm just saying you need to be put in your place, and I can-"

"I'm so confused right now," he says.

"HEY," Cristina yells, "you don't get to interrupt me."

"I can do whatever I want," he yells back.

"Really?" she asks, "that's the way you wanna go with this."

"With what?" he asks.

"This," she replies.

"What is this?" he asks.

"Oh, you know exactly what this is," she answers.

He sighs, frustrated.

"Look," Cristina says, "I just want to tell you that if you hurt a hair on her head, If I even hear that you have a secret wife or something. You have me to answer to."

"Who?" he asks desperately.

"You know who," Cristina replies.

"Can you just-"

"Look buddy, I don't know if you know what she's been through but she's been through a lot. She has held a bomb, survived a shooting, and died and came back to life. She's a fighter, and I will tear you apart, limb by limb. If I ever have to hear her cry over you. I've had to deal with that enough I don't want to anymore." Cristina speaks venomly.

"By the way I think I forgot to introduce myself, I'm Cristina Yang," she says holding out her arm.

Ah, my person.

A/N: So I hope you guys are liking it, I loved writing Cristina into this chapter. I just want to make it clear though to any crowen fans that I don't plan to make Owen and Cristina get together again. I feel like they'll always have a connection and he'll always care for her, but they both want different things. Therefor I don't know if I'll bring in someone for Cristina, or not. I think she is so strong by herself, but her being with someone wouldn't be a bad thing. I also don't plan to make her have children, I know in some other fanfics she does but I think in the show they've established it's just not what she wants. Also I have been trying to update everynight, but Idk if I can tomorrow I might have plans or might not? That's why I tried to make this chapter extra long. Either way by Saturday night the next chapter should be up.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Soooo obviously I've been gone for a while. Honestly I haven't really had the time to update while juggling the responsibility of being a freshman in college, waitressing, and just life. I hope you all are still interested in my story and want to read it. I was personally very pleased with the latest episode of Greys. Anyway, without further ado, I present Chapter 5.

Disclaimer: I do not own Greys Anatomy.

 _No there's nothing that I wouldn't do_

 _To make you feel my love_

Nathan standing there stunned was having it hard for me to contain my laughter. With her hand out, Cristina looked expectantly. Hesitating, Riggs slowly shook her hand. The whole interaction was slowly killing me, he looked so nervous, while she looked so proud.  
"I hope to see you around," Cristina says confidently.  
"Yeah, you too," he mutters.  
With a silence taking over it begins to get more awkward, if thats even possible.  
"Okay, well... get out," Cristina says as she opens the door and pushes him out before he can even get a word in.  
As soon as I hear the door slam I burst out laughing.  
"How did I do?" Cristina asks.  
"You," I can barely contain my laughter," did you see the look on his face?"  
"Yes, I was there," She replies smartly.  
I roll my eyes, her smart elicit attitude was something that used to get on my nerves, but now I'm just grateful to have her back.  
"Soooo," she starts, " wanna get some lunch?"  
"What?" I exclaim, "no I do not want to get some lunch, Nathan could be there and then he could see me with you. And if he sees me with you he could easily put together that you were talking about me."  
"Wow, things really haven't changed around here," Cristina sighs.  
"What are you talking about?" I say.  
"I'm saying that you're still the same Meredith," she laughs.  
"And you're still the same Cristina," I reply.  
"That I am," she says proudly.  
"Sooo," she starts again, "lunch?"  
"I have a feeling that you won't shut up until I say yes, so we mine as well just go," I give in.  
As we walk out into the cafeteria I can see that my nightmare has come true, only it's worse. At a table you have most of the attendees. Arizona, Richard, Amelia, Owen, Jackson, April, and Riggs.  
Isn't this a joy.  
"Cristina," April screams.  
Of course, leave it to Kepner to ruin everything.  
Soon enough everyone at the table is looking over and our cover is blown.  
Kill me.  
Kill me.  
Kill me.  
"Cristina, what are you doing back here?" Jacksons asks.  
Without any other choice we walk over and approach the table.  
"I don't think she really wants to talk about it," I defend.  
"No it's fine," she says," so the whole hospital thing with Burke didn't really work out because Burke went back on the deal. That's all I'm gonna say," she finishes.  
"So are you going to be working here now," Amelia questions suspiciously.  
"Yes I will be, I hope that won't be an issue for anyone," Cristina says, with fake sympathy.  
"No, not at all," Amelia glares as she stands and exits with Owen, who avoids all eye contact with Cristina.  
As soon as they exit I let out a big breath, I didn't even know I was holding.  
With everyone staring at each other in silence, I'm left in a daze. I almost forget what we're here for.  
"Yo Mer," Cristina brings me out of my daze as she snaps her fingers in my face.  
"Yes," I reply.  
"Food," she says simply.  
"Oh, yeah," I remember,"we're gonna go get some food," I let them know.  
As soon as we get our food we head back to the table and take a seat with now only Arizona, April, Jackson, and Riggs.  
"So," Arizona starts cheerfully," its good to have you back."  
"Yeah, sure," Cristina says with sarcasm, "where's Callie?"  
"You didn't tell her," Arizona looks at me.  
"Tell me what?" Cristina asks.  
"Well, Callie moved to New York," I tell her.  
"What, why, was it because of Arizona?" She accuses.  
Arizona rolls her eyes, "I had nothing to do with it."  
"It was because she wanted to be with Penny," I inform her.  
"Yeah, pretty perfect Penny," Arizona says bitterly.  
"Who the hell is Penny?" Cristina asks.  
"Penny killed Derek," I reply.  
"Wait, what?" Cristina gets confused.  
"Penny was the doctor on call the night Derek died. She didn't save him. But I put her out of my life. Too bad for me though because the night I had a dinner part Callie brought her new girlfriend, guess who it is? Penny." I say.  
"Wow, how could Callie even like her?" Cristina wonders.  
"I don't know, but anyway, Penny became a resident here and eventually I moved on and helped her because I'm an adult, " I say and end up muttering, "unlike Amelia."  
"What?" Cristina asks laughing.  
"Just Amelia, she said I did all these horrible things to her."  
"I thought you and Amelia were like sisters or best friends , or something," April pops in.  
"Umm, no far from it. I mean, were better now than we used to be though. But, you know we did get into a fight about you one time."  
"Tell me now," she demands, "what was it about?"  
"You know," Jackson butts in, "maybe you all shouldn't be gossiping about Amelia.  
"Shut it, Avery," Cristina orders, "now go on Mer."  
"As I was saying, she is always saying she's my sister. So I calmly explained to her that she wasn't my sister. She was Derek's sister, Derek is gone. She then went on to say that I'm more loyal to you than her, which was true so I agreed. She's just, I don't know. She was so childish, but now we are actually getting along and I actually enjoy it more than arguing." I laugh.  
"That's good," Cristina agrees.  
"Okay, so now that you are all caught up, how bout we stop all this talk about Amelia," April says.  
"Oh, Kepner, I didn't even realize you were here," Cristina jokes.  
"Now I see you really haven't changed," April says with an eye roll.  
Soon enough everyone had either gotten paged, or just wanted to leave. It was now just me and Nathan.  
"So you were pretty quiet during lunch?" I say with a smile.  
"Yeah, " he agrees, "it's just, um, Cristina kinda already met me."  
Not even knowing he was going to bring that up, I burst out laughing.  
"What," he says," what's so funny?"  
Trying to put sentences together fails at the moment, all I can do is laugh. Soon enough though, I compose myself and am able to put together a sentence.  
" I was there," I tell him plainly.  
As the realization dawns upon him, he looks at me with disbelief.  
"You let her scare me that much," He exclaims," now warning whatsoever."  
"You should've seen your face," I laugh.  
"No I can't believe you did this Meredith," he says.  
"Come on it's not that big of a deal," I tell him.  
"Yes it is!" He yells.  
"Is not," I defend.  
"Is too," he responds.  
"Is not."  
"Is too."  
"Is not."  
"Is too."  
"Is not."  
"Are you getting turned on?" He asks.  
Without a reply I stand up, drag him into an on call room and strip my clothes off right there.  
"I guess that's yes."


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I do not, and sadly probably never will, own Grey's Anatomy.

 _The storms are raging on the rolling sea_

With Cristina back working at the hospital, and things finally starting to get back to normal, it's starting to feel like the old days again. Owen and Amelia aren't being hostile towards Cristina, they've actually managed to have a conservation. Turns out Deluca let Alex off the hook and soon he's going to be working again. And Nathan and I have been joking up regularly, I'm still not sure what to call it. The only problem is Maggie. I really want to come out and just tell her that I have hooked up with Riggs, but then she'll feel like I lied to her. Which I did.

"Get up!" Cristina yells, as she throws a pillow at me.

"Hey!" I yell back, as I throw another pillow at her.

"It's time to get up," She informs me.

I roll over on my bed, and looking at my clock I realize it's almost time to go. Internally groaning, I get up, get dressed, and am ready for work.

It's become a usual thing where Cristina and I are always the first ones in the car because we get ready the fastest, also we're better. Today's no different though.

"Can't we just leave them?" Cristina whines, "I hate people anyway."

"I can't leave them Cristina, "I reply, "what will it look like if Alex shows up late to work on his first day back?"

She groans, "you're not the same dark, twisty, people hating person I'm used to."

Soon enough Maggie and Alex are out the door and sitting in the backseat.

"Thank god," Cristina says, "what took you so long?"

"Shut up Crackwhore," Alex replies.

" Aw, is Evil Spawn getting fussy," Cristina says in a baby voice.

It goes on like that for about the next 15 minutes. Pulling into the parking lot, I cannot wait to get out of that car.

"I think this is the first time I'm actually ecstatic to pull into work," I say, "you two are really just like children."

"Shut it, Medusa," they both say in unison.

"Wow, thanks," I say with an eye roll.

Walking into the hospital I'm suddenly filled with a feeling. Like today was going to be a good day, and I might even be able and ready to tell Maggie.

I check the board and immediately see that I don't have a surgery until around 3. I busy myself by checking on patients, filling out paperwork, and training residents. Soon enough, I go down to the cafeteria and take my lunch break. Seeing Nathan taking his too, I immediately go and sit with him.

"Hey," he says looking up.

"Hey," I reply.

With an awkward silence taking over, I decide to break it.

"I have something to tell you," I say as he says it too, at the same time.

"Oh, you first," he says.

"Okay," I start, "well as you know we've been sleeping together awhile now, and I just, I think it's time. I'm ready to tell Maggie."

"Seriously?" He asks.

"What? Yeah, do you not think it's a good idea?" I ask.

"No, I'm thrilled, I just didn't think you'd do it," he replies.

"Well, I am. Now what were you going to tell me?" I question.

"Oh, well I was just wondering, if um, only if you want to, if you'd like to um, be my girlfriend, only if you want to," he says nervously.

Smiling to myself, I reply, "no ones ever formally asked me to be their girlfriend."

"Oh, if it's not your thing it's okay, I can um-"

I shut him up with a kiss.

"Yes."

"What do you mean? Yes to the girlfriend thing, or to the-"

I kiss him again.

"Nathan, I would love to be your girlfriend," I tell him.

"Oh," He says, as a wave of relief washes over his face, "that's good."

"Yeah," I say, "you know what would be even better?"

"What?" He asks.

"An on call room," I reply, with a sly grin.

Soon enough we're both naked in an on call room, and I couldn't be happier.

I wake up to the sound of my pager, and Nathan gone. Disappointed I hurry to get dressed to answer the page, then I find a note.

Scribbled on the paper I read, "I had an emergency surgery, sorry. As always, though, the sex was just as wild and amazing as you are."

I couldn't help the grin that came over my face, I haven't felt this way about a guy in ages. It feels nice.

Noticing the time, I hurry and head to find out what I was paged for.

Seeing I was paged into Dr. Baileys office, I head in and see what it's about. Looking around I see Bailey, Richard, Amelia, and a girl with dark hair and glasses.

"Okay," I say," what's going on?"

"That's what I was asking ," Amelia butts in, "they paged me, when I was just about to go into surgery."

"Meredith, Amelia," Bailey says, "we've paged the both of you because you are both family members of Derek Shepherd."

"What are you talking about?" Amelia asks.

Richard sighs, "she," Richard points to girl wearing glasses, "is asking for Derek."

"We let her know about his death, we just figured you all might have some questions considering your relationship to him," Bailey says.

With so many thoughts racing through my mind, I don't know what to say. Every time I think I put something to bed, it comes back and bites me in the ass. But who is this girl I ask myself. Looking her up and down, I see her tear stained eyes and running nose. What right does she have to cry about him, did she know him. Not knowing what to say, I simply say the first thing that comes to mind:

"Were you the woman that answered his phone?"


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy.

 _And on the highway of regret._

An awkward silence has formed, but I am unsure of what to say or do. I simply have to know, this could be closure for me. Right before Derek died, we were having so many issues. One was the possibility of him cheating. When he died that all seemed so small, who cared, he was dead. I wanted to remember the good times, not the bad. But now I could officially put the whole thing to bed.

"Are you not going to answer my question?" I ask sharply.

"You know," Richard butts in, "how about we give everyone some time to cool off, then you can talk later."

"I suppose that will do," I answer coldly, as I swiftly turn around and exit, then realizing I completely forgot about Amelia.

Catching up to her in the hall, I quickly call her name.

She ignores me.

"Hey!" I call, as I grab her by the shoulder and force her to turn around and look at me.

"So," I start, "what's up? Are you upset with me, or something?" I ask.

"Upset with you, how could I ever be upset with you," Amelia laughs off sarcastically.

"Look, I'm just trying to help," I explain.

"Yeah, well I don't need it," she responds.

"If that's the way you feel," I tell her.

She sighs.

"You know, this is so like you, Meredith."

"What?" I ask.

"This," she answers, "we were both brought to that room to ask that woman questions about Derek because she knew him. You asked yours, when she didn't answer we left. End of story. I didn't even get a question in. It's like people don't acknowledge me because I'm the sister, you all were in love. Your that sad widow everyone takes pity on. Now it's like everyone bows down to you, and where am I? No one realizes I lost someone too, I lost my brother."

"Amelia," I say softly, "I know you lost someone too."

"Really?" She asks angrily, "cause it doesn't seem like it."

"I know that you hate the world but-"

"Don't," Amelia yells, "don't try to help me."

I sigh.

"You make it really hard for me not to get upset, you know, "I say, " I know you loved Derek. What you don't realize is that when he died, when I had to unplug him, I lost everything too. Unlike you though, I wasn't allowed to wallow. I had to keep moving and working. You wanna be angry? Fine be angry, I could care less. If you feel unnoticeable, make yourself noticed. Just don't cry to me because you lost your brother, and don't yell and me because you lost your brother. I lost my husband. I cry and yell at myself everyday."

Finally taking a breath after my speech, I see a crowd has gathered.

Shaking my head, I simply walk into an on call room, and lock myself in.

The tears come fast. I'm such a fool for thinking I was done with this, I will never be done with this.

"Dammit!" I scream as I lose it and completely start bawling.

I hear a knock at the door.

"I'm in here," I say with my worn out voice.

"It's Nathan," I hear him say softly.

Slowly I unlock the door and let him in. I never wanted him to me like this. Hell, I never wanted anyone to see me like this, but especially not him.

As he enters we slowly ease into the bed, laying side by side.

"Ya know," he starts, "Owen was a pain when Megan died."

I laugh bitterly, "That's not a surprise."

"Yeah, besides blaming me for the whole thing, he also was just a pain in the ass," He says.

I laugh, "Well I guess him and Amelia are meant to be then."

He laughs softly.

"You know you can talk to be about whatever?"

"Yeah, it's just Amelia," I say. "She is always saying that me being the sad widow, makes people not notice her."

"Yeah, I heard the speech she," He says, " and none of it is true."

"I know," I say, " it's just hard. See there's this woman here who is asking for Derek. We told her he died, but Bailey said we could ask some questions. Apparently Amelia didn't like my question."

"That's it," He says, " What was your question?"

"Well it's kinda a long story," I say.

"I got time," he replies.

"Well, I guess I should tell you that when Derek died we were fighting. He was in DC, I was here, and it was putting a strain on our relationship. One day, I called his phone and a woman answered. I didn't know what to say. After that he died, I simply don't think I'll ever really know the truth." I tell him as he takes my hands in his.

"I understand," he says quietly.

"Anyway, today I really wanted to know if she was the woman, and if she could tell me what happened. Just a chance to get closure," I say.

"Meredith?" He says.

"Yes?" I respond.

"That is not at all selfish."

"Hold me," I command.

He takes me in his arms and tightens them around my waist as we lay together. He may not be Derek, but he makes me feel safe and loved.

Groggily waking back up, I try to figure out where I am from my surroundings. Suddenly I realize Nathan next to me, and close my eyes as I move closer to his body for warmth. It's quickly ripped away from me though as I here his pager go off, and a gets up to go.

I push him back on the bed, "you don't have to leave yet," I whine.

He laughs, "You know I have to."

"No you don't."

"Meredith, I'm a surgeon," he tells me.

"I know," I laugh, "so am I."

"Which is why I would think you would understand this," he says.

"When it comes to you in bed, surgery means nothing to me," I say as I raise one eyebrow.

"Meredith, stop it," he laughs, not being able to contain himself.

"Come on Nathan," I say," one round for me?"

I watch as he slowly moves closer to the bed, takes me in his arms, is about to kiss me when... HIS PAGER GOES OFF.

"Ughg," I sigh.

"Okay," he says, "I'm sorry but this time I actually do have to go."

He puts his hand on the door knob, quickly dashes over to kiss me quickly, then darts out the door.

He makes everything better


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy.

 _Though winds of change_

 _Are throwing wild and free_

It's been an unsuccessful day. I've already lost a patient, I haven't been able to talk to the nameless woman who says she knows Derek, Amelia is still pissed at me, and it's only lunch. Upon walking into the cafeteria I spot a table with Nathan and Cristina. Quickly, I grab my lunch and join them.

"Oh, Meredith," Cristina starts, "how nice of you to join, I was just talking to McArmy about you?"

"McArmy?" I question.

She then gives me the 'you can't be serious look,' making me feel like an idiot.

"Oh, Nathan!" I exclaim, understanding what she meant.

"No," she says with sarcasm.

"Shut up," I laugh, "anyway, are you sure that's what you want to go with? McArmy?"

"Were you thinking of something else?" She asks.

"I don't know," I reply.

We slowly start to look and study him, trying to think of a name.

"You guys know I'm right here, right?" Nathan says, annoyed.

Cristina laughs, "how about McBaby?"

"Why?" I ask.

"He whines about everything," Cristina laughs.

"Hey!" Riggs butts in, "I do not whine about everything."

"There it is," Cristina points and laughs.

I laugh along as Nathan rolls his eyes, which makes me laugh more.

"Can we change the subject now?" He grunts.

"Fine, fine," Cristina says, "so I hear Owen hates you?"

Nathan rolls his eyes, "that's such a better topic," he says with sarcasm.

"Hey, if it makes you feel any better he probably hates me too," Cristina laughs.

"He doesn't hate me," Nathan defends, "were civil."

"That's what I am with Amelia," I butt in, "and you know she hates me."

"It's not like that," Nathan defends, "it's just awkward."

"Speak of the devil," I say as I notice Owen entering the cafeteria.

"Oh god," Cristina groans, "I think that he thinks I came here expecting something from him."

"But you don't, right?" I assure.

"Meredith, I am focusing on my career," Cristina replies.

"Okay, good," I say, "hopefully he doesn't come over here."

"Meredith, why would he come over here?" Cristina asks, "to have a nice conversation with the guy he hates and his ex."

"Again, he doesn't hate me," Riggs reiterates.

"Keep telling yourself that," Cristina laughs.

Riggs rolls his eyes.

I'm shocked when I look up and actually see Owen walking over to our table. Well this is going to be awkward.

When he comes over, he refuses to sit down. I look over to see Cristina with her head down, looking at her food. And Nathan looking around the room, refusing to make eye contact with Owen.

I roll my eyes, well isn't this lovely.

"Look, Cristina," Owen starts, "I just need to know why you came here?"

She stays silent.

"Cristina," Owen says again, more urgent.

"Cristi-"

"Look, she didn't come here for you. That's all you need to know," I cut him off.

"I'd rather here it from her, Grey," he replies.

"Well too bad, y'know it's not always about you," I say.

"This is ridiculous," Owen exclaims, "I just want to talk to Cristina."

"Oh my god," Cristina suddenly explodes, "I did not come here for you. I came here for my career. Happy now?"

Owen laughs, "for your career, wow. I should have known, that was always the problem. Your career."

He shakes his head and walks away.

"Ughggh," Cristina groans, "I hate men."

"You can say that again," I agree, forgetting about Riggs being here.

"Except for me though, right?" He asks.

"I don't know, you were pretty annoying," I say, "I hated you when we met."

"Ouch," he says.

"Don't be a McBaby," I laugh.

"You all are gross," Cristina says, "why does Owen hate you anyway?"

"Well, that's a long story," Nathan says.

"Wow, using my line," I joke.

"Your line?" Nathan asks.

"Yeah, that's what I said when you talked to me in the elevator," I tell him.

"I'm afraid I don't recall," He says.

"Seriously?" I ask, "it was when we just met."

"Not ringing any bells," He replies.

"Oh my god," I say with frustration, "I told you I was-"

I suddenly stop when I see the look on his face.

"You're such an ass," I say, "don't mess with me like that."

"How could you believe that I didn't remember that?" Nathan asks, "I was so embarrassed and you turned me down quite rudely."

"I was not rude," I defend.

"You were," He claims.

"Was not."

"Was too."

"Was not."

"Was too."

Was not"

"Was to-"

"Oh my god," Cristina cuts Nathan off, "you all are so annoying."

I just laugh. Being here with the two most important people of my life, makes me feel full again. When Cristina left and Derek died, I felt empty. Like I didn't have a lot to live for. Nathan changed that, then Cristina came back, and now I am full. I'm not alone. It's like I'm now living again.

The day goes on and slowly I find myself looking at the clock. There are no more surgeries scheduled and all I have are patients that need to be discharged. I end up giving the discharges to an intern and tiredly going home.

As I lay in my bed I find trouble sleeping. I can't shut my brain off. I'm so happy to have Nathan and Cristina, at the same time I wonder who that woman is. I have so many things to be grateful for, but so many other things concern me. Without thinking, I grab my phone and dial Nathan's number.

"Hello," he answers, groggy.

"Hey, I know it's late," I rush out, "but I was wondering if you could come over? I mean, I totally understand if you can't. It is very late. You don't have to, I just, I'm being stupid, just-"

"Meredith," Nathan cuts me off, "I'm on my way."

Within the blink of an eye I hear a knock on the door. Quietly, I quickly open the door and pull him into my room. Immediately I start kissing him and unbuttoning his shirt.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Nathan pulls me off, "I thought something was wrong."

"Yeah," I say fast, "I can't sleep."

"Is this why you called me over here? You can't sleep," Nathan asks.

I roll my eyes.

"You booty called me," Nathan accuses.

"And..." I say, "so what if I did?"

"Well, I mean, not that I don't want to, I just, I-" Nathan jumbles, not being able to put together a single sentence.

"Just shut up," I laugh, as I take his hand in mine and lead him over to the bed.

With passion surging throughout my veins, I bring his lips to mine. They taste of warmth and comfort and I feel safe and protected. He makes me feel perfect in every way, how did I get so lucky as to find this again? With all this feelings and thoughts going through my head, I finally realize: I love Nathan Riggs. Shit.


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I don't own Greys Anatomy

 _You ain't seen nothing_

 _Like me yet._

I can't sleep. Thoughts race and race throughout my mind. I can't turn my brain off. I simply lay on Nathan's bare chest and listen to his heart beat. It comforts me. Life. He's alive. Each time I hear it beat, I feel more reassured. More comfortable and ready. He's alive. Just thinking those words makes me forget about all my fears. I can't believe how far I've fallen. How did I let this happen? How do I make it stop? I continually ask myself these questions, then come to the same realization every time: I can't. No matter how much I want to, these feelings are going to come and I don't think they're leaving anytime soon. That still doesn't stop the fear, though. He makes me feel things, things I haven't felt in a long time. What if it's ripped away again? I wouldn't be able to move past it again, which is what scares me the most. He could destroy me at any minute. He captivates my heart. I'm falling for him, and I can't stop.

Slowly, I begin to stand up and exit the bed. I suddenly have to use the bathroom. When I wash my hands I look at myself in the mirror. I still look the same. The same as I did when I first moved back in here, when I was an intern. Lots has changed, but I still look the same. I've got slightly shorter hair and my face has aged, but that's about it. It's like I'm back to where I started. I started out in this house, then I fell in love, lived in the dream house, but found my way back to this house. 12 years. It's been 12 years since I first moved in here, 12 years since I first met Derek, 12 years since, everything really began. I fell hopelessly in love in this very same house 12 years ago, now I'm doing it again.

Once I'm done washing my hands, I take one more look in the mirror, and then exit the bathroom. When I get back into my bed, I'm surprised to see Nathan awake.

"Hey," he says groggily, "I noticed you weren't here, everything okay?"

"Everything's perfect," I assure him.

Slowly I position him to where he's wrapping his arms around me and with his warmth surrounding me I drift off into sleep.

I'm jolted awake when I hear banging on my door.

"Who is that?" I groan.

"I don't live here," Nathan replies just as tired.

"Go away!" I yell.

After a few minutes I assume that whoever it was got the message. I could not have been more wrong. Before I have time to realize what's going on, my door gets broken down, and Cristina waltzes in causally, as if nothing happened.

"What the hell?" I yell at her.

Ignoring me she continues to plop down on my bed, between me and Nathan.

"Get her out of here," Nathan yawns.

"Hush, don't be a McBaby," Cristina says as she pats his head.

"Cristina,"I say, "really what are you doing in here?"

"Well, I'm very offended you find my company that awful," she says.

"Cristina..." I warn.

"Fine, fine," she surrenders," if you must know, my landlord kicked me out."

"What, why?" I ask, "there's no way you're not making enough money, especially on a attending surgeons salary."

"It's not money," Cristina answers," he thinks I'm a slob."

I laugh, "you messy, never," I say with sarcasm.

"Shut up," she punches me.

"Hey, you broke into my house," I reply.

"Get out of here," Nathan whines as he puts a pillow over his heat.

"Aw, is McBaby grumpy in the mornings," Cristina says in a baby voice.

And it looks could kill Cristina really would be dead right now.

"Come on," I motion towards Cristina," let's let him sleep, I'll make some coffee."

"Fine, I guess that'll do," she suffices.

As we exit my bedroom, we head down to the kitchen and I start a pot of coffee.

"So what time to you go in to-" I start.

"You love him," Cristina cuts me off.

"What?" I ask, startled.

"Riggs, you love him," she says simply.

I laugh nervously, "no I don't."

"Mer," Cristina says," you love him."

"You don't know what your talking about," I deny.

"Yes I do," she says.

"No you don't," I reply," I like him a lot, that's why we're together, but there's no way I love him."

"Meredith," Cristina says again, "I know you better than anyone else in the world. I've seen the way you look at him, I haven't seen that glimmer in your eyes since Derek. You light up when he walks in the room and when you all talk, or bicker, it's like your in your own little world. I know it may be hard to accept, but I think your falling for him."

I sigh.

"I know," I say, accepting the truth.

"You know?" Cristina asks.

"Yes I know," I reply, "it kept me up all night last night, just thinking about it. He does make happy, like really happy. I'm just scared, and I can't make these stupid, dumb, wonderful feelings go away."

"Then stop trying," Cristina says.

"It's not that-"

"Stop it," Cristina cuts me off, "don't be intern Meredith. You spent all you internship and part of your residency being too scared to commit to Derek, and look what that turned into. He was the love of your life. This could easily be the same thing. I know your older now, and smarter. That still doesn't change the fact that love is still scary. You should leap. Take a chance. Tell him you love him, I mean you of all people know life can be taken away from someone within a second, so tell him because you could easily lose him."

She's right. She's right and it sucks because I know it, she knows it, and it's nothing knew.

"When are you going to stop being right?" I ask, jokingly.

"Never my friend, never," She laughs.

Cristina ended up having to go into work early, one cardio attending called in. Seeing as Nathan and I both have the late shift tonight, I figured today would be a good day to tell him. The one problem? I don't know how to tell him. For Derek I made the house of candles, but that was just once. I'm not an expert on big romantic gestures. Derek was though, which is probably why I never had to do them a lot. I don't know why I want to do something big, I just do. Nathan deserves it.

I walk back into my bedroom to find Nathan laying in my bed, eyes closed. I just stand and look for a moment. It feels so... perfect. Like this is how it's supposed to be.

He opens his eyes, "Hey."

"Hey," I reply softly.

We look into each other's eyes for a minute. I start to feel like he knows. Like he knows I love him, and I know he loves me. It's as if we exchange our words without speaking, we understand each other. I lay down beside him in bed and take his hand in mine, never breaking eye contact. We lay there for, god knows how long, until I realize our shift is about to start. My big plan will have to wait.

When we enter the hospital we realize we have to go our separate ways.

I give him a quick kiss on the lips and then run to my first surgery of the day.

As I'm finishing up on the labs for my patients of the day I'm greeted with an upset Amelia marching over towards me at the nurses station.

"May I help you?" I ask.

"Webber and Bailey said that now would be a good time to talk to the woman who supposedly knew Derek," she says rushed, and angry.

I sigh, "no."

"What?" She asks.

"No," I reply.

"What do you mean 'no'?" She demands.

"I mean, I've thought about it and I don't want to talk to her," I answer.

"Seriously?" She asks.

"Amelia-"

"No, Meredith, don't 'Amelia' me. I guess you really have forgotten about Derek," she spits out as she storms off.

I sigh.

No matter what I do, she gets angry. The truth is, I don't want to know the truth. It's better not to know. If I found out he did cheat on me, I'd just be angry. I would rather remember the good times and not dwell on the past. Derek is my past. Whether he cheated on me, or not, I'll never know. I'm completely fine with that.

When I get home I crawl into my bed, only to find Cristina laying there too.

"How was your day?" I ask.

"Eh," she shrugs her shoulders.

"Yeah," I say, "I love Nathan."

"I know," she replies.

It feels different saying it aloud, like it's just a fact. Normal. Why wouldn't I love him? God. How did I manage to fall in love again?


End file.
